Due to the general lack of interesting shit on bobgob, it’s time to post fun sexual strategies.

Today’s strategy is known as the Angry Pirate. A male may initiate the angry pirate by ejaculating all over a female’s eye, standing her up, and then kicking her in the shin (or whacking her with a baseball bat, whichever is more convenient).

This causes the female to grab her eye, somewhat in resemblance of a pirate’s eye patch, and hop around on one leg, somewhat in resemblance of a peg-legged pirate. Bonus points if the female actually says “ARRRRR.”

So a few days ago, in a group email thread, an acquaintance of mine asked to no one in particular, “If a guy has unprotected sex with a hooker one time, how likely is it that he’ll get an STD?” This individual, let’s call him Grady, was not asking for himself personally, but rather, for ‘this guy he knows’, who (evidently) got-it-on.

Unfortunately, one-time transmission rates are difficult to determine. Even the CDC can only make estimates based on limited pools of retrospective case analyses in which the verifiably previously healthy ‘john’, as it were, engaged in high-risk intercourse with a known, infected ‘trick’. Less reliable estimates are based on fluctuations in the incidence (new occurrences in a given year/per 100,000 people) and prevalence (number of currently infected/per 100,000 people) correlated to survey studies looking at sexual behavior in the population.

For Grady, the answer is contingent on a number of factors.

First, the disease you’re worried about. Two terms used in microbiology and epidemiology are infectivity (ability of a pathogen to establish infection) and virulence (ability of a pathogen to do damage once infection been established). These characteristics vary greatly among STD’s. Below is a list of the most common ones seen in the US:

BV, Trichomonas, syphilis, Hep B, Hep C, HIV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, HPV, Herpes, Chancroid, Donovanosis, LGV, Crabs, Scabies, Molluscum contagiousum

HIV for example, has low infectivity and high virulence. Heterosexual vaginal intercourse is fairly ineffective at transmitting the virus. In fact, the odds of college-educated heterosexual partners contracting HIV from one unprotected vaginal sexual encounter are miniscule. Note: some people will not like hearing this, as it A)seems careless from a public health standpoint and B) appears to characterize HIV as a scourge of the poor. Sorry, but it’s a fact. That said, repeated unprotected encounters raise the likelihood in a non-linear fashion. Imagine rolling a 100-sided die. The odds that you will not roll, say, a 61, are excellent (99%). But if you take the odds over as few as 20 rolls, your odds of rolling a 61 at least once, increase to about 20%. After 40 rolls, your odds of rolling a 61 at least once, increase to roughly 40%. Hence, repeated exposure to anything becomes a dangerous proposition. Anal intercourse, furthermore, is significantly riskier, as the mucosa in the anal canal is easily torn and highly absorptive, so any virus particles present in the semen will be welcomed without prejudice.

HPV (human papilloma virus) has been getting a lot of press, and it has high infectivity and (arguably) moderate virulence. It’s thought to be responsible for the preponderance of cervical cancers seen in the US. However, only certain subtypes of HPV, namely 16, 18, 31, 33, 45 (there are more) are known to cause cancer, which is why, should you test positive for HPV, you should find out your subtype. The others are less morbid, but still inconvenient, causing your garden-variety anal wart. Allegedly, a sampling of the student population at University of Wisconsin-Madison revealed prevalence of HPV (any type) to be upwards of 90%. Gross. If you find yourself amorous and visiting Madison (or worse yet, live on the Madison campus), I would advise you to wrap it up, maybe even make it a double. By the way, regarding the vaccine, ladies…it is so choice…if you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

For guys, gonorrhea is the one that, to use the parlance of our times, ‘makes your dick fall off’. It does not actually do this. But it is a nasty little shit of a bacteria, it has high infectivity and high virulence, and it can spread hematogenously (i.e. through blood) to your brain, joints, liver, etc. In women, it has a scorched earth effect on the reproductive machinery and if untreated, will leave them barren. It is bad, bad, bad. Fortunately, your trusty neighborhood ER doc can knock it out with what we call a “shot n’ a shake”. It’s a shot of Rocephin (similar to penicillin) and an Azithromycin drink (tastes like banana, and is quite delicious, per patient report), which kills the sister-microbe, Chlamydia.

Syphilis also has reasonably high infectivity and virulence. And likewise, if untreated will totally frak you. It starts as a painless genital ulcer (unlike herpes, which is painful), which resolves. Then 6-8 weeks later, you get a weird, reddish rash on your palms and trunk, with fleshy, broad white lesions on your body. And in the tertiary stage, the little treponemes (syphilis bugs) corrode your spinal cord and brain, and breakdown your major blood vessels, like your aorta. John Ritter, the guy who wrote Rent, and Illinois basketball coach Bruce Weber’s mother all died of something called aortic dissection, where your aorta essentially splits open inside your chest (although I don’t believe any of them got it from having syphilis). But again, penicillin will take care of it in a hurry.

There’s more, but the general theme is, practice the barrier method, see your doctor regularly (for the love of God, don’t lie when he asks you questions), and avoid carnal knowledge from night-walking succubi.

Disclaimer: the preceeding column was not advice directed at you or meant for you. Take from it what you will, but make your decisions based on multiple sources of information and in conjunction with your doctor’s recommendations.

NOTE: Bifuyma published this on behalf of Verb Lefort because it included the phrase “it is so choice” in reference to a vaccine intended to prevent STDs.

Hilarious. If you can’t watch the whole thing - go to about 6:15-7:05…

8:30 - “I’m happy! I just done three young white girls!”

10:30 - “I got to go to the Bahamas and steal my own drug money”

10:45 - “He said I’m the best thing since Charlie Chaplin. I ain’t met the motha fucka! Motha fucka ain’t even talk. I TALK!”

Is that Berrian? I think he’s triple-covered. You know what? Fuck it. I’m throwing it downfield.

Yeah, I see Jones open on the flank. But fuck that. Dumpoff passes are for faggots. I’m fucking Sexy Rexy Grossman. I can get that ball in there. And, even if I can’t, I bet I’ll be able to pull it off the next go round. I like throwing the ball long. It makes my dick hard.

What’s that? I should throw a quick slant? Fuck that. That’s gay. Button hook? Gay. Flare out? Gay. Screen pass? Kevin Spacey gay. This is fucking football. You can’t just expect wins to come to you. You can’t massage that shit. You gotta grab that game by the throat and rape the ever-loving shit out of it. You think a 5-yard out is gonna win you a game? You’re a pussy. This ain’t John Shoop running this offense. Sexy Rexy’s got the arm. The dragon. You gotta unleash the dragon.

Okay, I’m throwing it. Nice. Look how far it went. I look good. I bet I made that Pats cheerleader wet her panties with that throw. She fucking wants me. I bet she likes it over a stair railing. I can hit that with 100% accuracy, my dear. Mmmmmm. I am delicious.

Oh shit. Looks like Samuel caught it. Again. Oh well. It still felt fucking great to throw that shit. Tell me that wasn’t one of the prettiest passes you ever saw. You know what? Not only am I gonna throw it long the next time we hit the field. I’m gonna throw it even longer. Harder. You see that kid in wheelchair sitting in the end zone bleachers? I’m gonna nail him right between the fucking eyes with a Sexy Rexy fastball. Why? Because I can.

This is Rex Grossman we’re talking about here. We’re talking 210 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal. I’m not just a gunslinger. I’m a cumslinger. Throwing that ball long tells all the Rexettes that I am fucking out there. On the edge. Where I gotta be. The ladies love the danger. The unpredictability. Oh, maybe I’ll tease them with a pretty touch pass every now and again. But then I’m gonna go right back to pumping that ball out for all it’s worth. It tells them I throw like I fuck. That’s how we do things in the sexy business.

Tell me you’re not turned on right now. I am.
—
TO THE BENCH! Its been fun while it lasted Grossman, but your career just vanished courtesy of Brian Griese. And Berrian’s going right down with you (enjoy that piece of shit on your fantasy team, Ferrario).

In The Know: Are America’s Rich Falling Behind The Super-Rich?

DIDJA DUNK IT IN THE MILK

Observe the hand poised around his own neck:

So I have a few quick reflections after watching Michigan today:

• I’m a hater, always have been, always will be, but I am now downright obsessed with Michigan football. Its fascinating human drama. It used to be that there were really only two things that really brought be unadulterated joy in college football (probably my favorite sport): a Northwestern victory or a Michigan loss, and not in that order. Now? Still love the same two things, but I’m so much more invested in what’s happening in Michigan. I mean, is this the apocalypse or something? I want to know if Norte Dame can beat them, and THEN what happens? Would they fail to sell out after? Do they fire Carr mid-season? Is he even cognizant of what’s going on?

• My brother (a UofM senior) is actually considering not coming out here for the NU-Skunk Bears game at the end of the month, and he’s said a few of his road-trippin’ buddies have already opted out. Question: is this a sign that Michigan fans are the ass-faced, joiner, bandwagon-hoppin’, I-only-root-for-front-runners, Guiliani-supporting fucks that we’ve always suspected they are; OR is it an indication of just how preposterously far the mighty have fallen?

• Its been said, but: Michigan will continue to generate quality, NFL-level players, but they still play football like they’re under Bo and they will get mauled for it. They might smoke some Big Ten teams with their smashmouth shit, but if Oregon tears them up this badly, what would someone like Pat White do to them?

• Interesting proposition bet: what are the odds that NU is favored against them on the 29th? I say 5-2 against, and falling.

• I don’t care if he’s doing an “I’m the baddest dude out here” routine, or some Peyton Manning/Brett Favre impression, but Mike Hart had no business being out on the field when he kept coming up limp and then waving off his replacements. You came back for your senior year to win a championship or perhaps to increase your draft stock? Fucking up your leg while losing by 32 is a good way to achieve both those goals, asshole.

• Northwestern is 2-0. So’s Michigan State. And the Skunk-bears are a laughingstock. Surely, this is a sign of good things to come.

Say what you will about Northwestern football, and the only 20,000 or so fans that showed up at the game today (and what a game it was), but the seats from the Northwestern press box are unbelievable. There is a great view of the Chicago skyline to the south, the lake to the east, and the Bahai Temple to the north. There’s five star service and luxurious decor… That’s how to watch a game on a beautiful football Saturday. I doubt I’ll have that opportunity for the Michigan game…

We’re 2-0 baby! Speaking of Michigan… 0-2?